Things I think about lately

Lately my mind has been at odds with itself. I still will play out bizarre scenarios in my head- like awful things that are my worst fears. It's as if I am trying to go through it in my mind in some vain attempt to relieve that fear. How weird is that? So recently I've been capturing those thoughts and just praying that I would stop and then I force myself to think about something else. How weird am I? But it really works to make me discipline my mind to be clear, and more pure. I just want to think about things that matter...that matter forever. I remember when my friend AW went through something like this shortly after her 30th birthday. I remember her saying, "I am ready to get serious. I don't want to talk about clothes and silly stuff."

AW- I think I get it.

And now I digress...

Other things I am thinking about...why did I buy this house? Although I sort of like this house, it is a lot of work to keep it up and make it a home. And it's just so ugly. The front looks like it has an overbite with upstairs windows as wide-spaced eyes. Not attractive. And to make it attractive it would take about $40,000 to fix just that aspect of the house. That doesn't take into account the need for more landscaping, replacement of the back deck, replacement of the upstairs metal windows and a NEW PAINT COLOR. No one wants a house the color of mint toothpaste. Oh, wait, except the former owner.

Although I think that unending work is necessary for every house...and I am fooling myself when I think that a new house would be easier to upkeep. The frustrating problem is that there is almost NO LAND in the area to build on. What land there is costs about $200,000 per .18 acre. In Ashland there are lots available (.5 acre) for $500,000. No, seriously, I saw it in the Mail Tribune today.

Yeah, now if we just made $100,000 then we could build a house. But it would be smaller then this one and the lot would be smaller too. But I wouldn't be dealing with replacing EVERYTHING in the house. So that might be nice...really nice. I'd like to spend time with my kid, not spend time fixing the house so she doesn't maim herself while crawling around. I'd like to have a house that is finished so we can enjoy it, and not always be "in progress". That essentially equates to "We can't have people over".

I'd like to have people over. That would be great.