A moment to myself
Well, my DH is in Reno and the girl is sleeping off her immunizations..I have a cup of Full City Coffee and so all is pretty good. Between the baby getting sick (which the Dr. said was probably the dreaded RSV) and her shots, it's been a tough two weeks. Still, I we managed and the guest bath is clean and the bed made up downstairs for my parents arrival this weekend. So, I think I am doing well.
Yet a few things have been bothering me lately...frankly the very same things that have bothered me the last few years...Ok, really the last six years when I 'fess up to it. I have this aimless feeling in life, as if I am not really sure I know what my purpose is. I think I understand the "macro" idea in Matthew about "Go out and make disciples of all nations". It's the micro that baffles me. Six years ago I was trying to complete college and I really felt like I knew my place in life. I had a schedule (you know I love my schedules), I had a prominent place in ministry, and I was in school completing my teaching degree. I knew what every minute held, as each minute held importance, for the greater good and purpose of my life. Once I completed that goal of school and I got through the TCS incident I was able to slow down and evaluate myself. Along came my DH, so that took up some time too. Then there was the house and then the move to where we live now...and another house...and then a new job...and then the baby.
I can still see the same issues plaguing me today that did so five years ago.
What is my place?
What should I be working toward?
Why have I neglected my dreams?
Why do I start so many things (projects, ministries, friendships) but then neglect them after a season?
Why am I so afraid all the time?
Someone very close to me told me they think I am depressed. Seriously depressed. I thought that was weird at first. So I asked an objective party. They thought it was entirely possible as a result of the birth of the baby. The objective party stated that very often the depression sneaks up on you and frankly, you're the last to see it. Then another thing happened...my Bible Study read a part in Richard Fosters book Celebration of Discipline. It is in the chapter on solitude. He calls it, "The Dark Night of the Soul". He essentially states that we all go through a very dark time in our spiritual walk. One where everything seems grey, lifeless and dull. we feel alone and disconnected to God. Yet what is startling is that he states this event is a GOOD event, like a gift from God for growth. A time to shed the unimportant that impedes us, to move into an unfettered relationship with God and others. A few women thought this was a classic definition of clinical depression and some others thought it was a blend of both a spiritual "desert time" (for lack of a better word) and a depression.
My friend Gayle told me many times that if God is teaching you a lesson and you miss that mark, then He will bring the chance back around for you to get it right. It's as if we have to complete the lesson over and over until we learn it. I've seen this truth a hundred times in my life. I'll look at a situation and think, "Ok God, I remember this set up and I missed this last time. I am going to get this one right!". So when I apply that logic to the thoughts on depression and the "dark night of the soul" it seems to me that perhaps I am in a dark night. Perhaps I have been here for a very long time (read: years) as a result of my failure to address the questions I mentioned at the beginning of the post.
That makes so much sense to me as I type this. Perhaps I am depressed and perhaps it's even a chemical issue at this point as well. Yet no medication can alleviate my avoidance to tackle the tough questions in my life. No medication can make me face up to myself.
So I have decided to make some changes. It's time to cut the crap. I'm done with hiding behind the loads of crap I keep for the sake of "keepsakes" for my kids, or crafts I am supposedly going to complete. It's time to stop hiding behind the weight.
It's time to stop hiding period.
I have a sinking feeling this is going to like childbirth. There is only one way through it and it hurts like nothing else in life. The results are hard earned at the end and you cannot pretend your way through it.
Yet a few things have been bothering me lately...frankly the very same things that have bothered me the last few years...Ok, really the last six years when I 'fess up to it. I have this aimless feeling in life, as if I am not really sure I know what my purpose is. I think I understand the "macro" idea in Matthew about "Go out and make disciples of all nations". It's the micro that baffles me. Six years ago I was trying to complete college and I really felt like I knew my place in life. I had a schedule (you know I love my schedules), I had a prominent place in ministry, and I was in school completing my teaching degree. I knew what every minute held, as each minute held importance, for the greater good and purpose of my life. Once I completed that goal of school and I got through the TCS incident I was able to slow down and evaluate myself. Along came my DH, so that took up some time too. Then there was the house and then the move to where we live now...and another house...and then a new job...and then the baby.
I can still see the same issues plaguing me today that did so five years ago.
What is my place?
What should I be working toward?
Why have I neglected my dreams?
Why do I start so many things (projects, ministries, friendships) but then neglect them after a season?
Why am I so afraid all the time?
Someone very close to me told me they think I am depressed. Seriously depressed. I thought that was weird at first. So I asked an objective party. They thought it was entirely possible as a result of the birth of the baby. The objective party stated that very often the depression sneaks up on you and frankly, you're the last to see it. Then another thing happened...my Bible Study read a part in Richard Fosters book Celebration of Discipline. It is in the chapter on solitude. He calls it, "The Dark Night of the Soul". He essentially states that we all go through a very dark time in our spiritual walk. One where everything seems grey, lifeless and dull. we feel alone and disconnected to God. Yet what is startling is that he states this event is a GOOD event, like a gift from God for growth. A time to shed the unimportant that impedes us, to move into an unfettered relationship with God and others. A few women thought this was a classic definition of clinical depression and some others thought it was a blend of both a spiritual "desert time" (for lack of a better word) and a depression.
My friend Gayle told me many times that if God is teaching you a lesson and you miss that mark, then He will bring the chance back around for you to get it right. It's as if we have to complete the lesson over and over until we learn it. I've seen this truth a hundred times in my life. I'll look at a situation and think, "Ok God, I remember this set up and I missed this last time. I am going to get this one right!". So when I apply that logic to the thoughts on depression and the "dark night of the soul" it seems to me that perhaps I am in a dark night. Perhaps I have been here for a very long time (read: years) as a result of my failure to address the questions I mentioned at the beginning of the post.
That makes so much sense to me as I type this. Perhaps I am depressed and perhaps it's even a chemical issue at this point as well. Yet no medication can alleviate my avoidance to tackle the tough questions in my life. No medication can make me face up to myself.
So I have decided to make some changes. It's time to cut the crap. I'm done with hiding behind the loads of crap I keep for the sake of "keepsakes" for my kids, or crafts I am supposedly going to complete. It's time to stop hiding behind the weight.
It's time to stop hiding period.
I have a sinking feeling this is going to like childbirth. There is only one way through it and it hurts like nothing else in life. The results are hard earned at the end and you cannot pretend your way through it.
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